Jul 10, 2020
For much of my life, I felt trapped.
Trapped inside the body.
Trapped in jobs I didn’t particular like – but felt I had to stay in for money.
Trapped in relationships.
Trapped in situations.
I started going deaf around the third grade – and that was my first experience of “being trapped” inside the body.
INSIDE, I was totally whole.
Inside, I could hear everything perfectly clear.
Inside, there was no deafness.
Inside, I was happy. When I was alone, I happy, creative, vibrant, alive. I could hear thoughts loud and clear. Inside – “in my own little world” – there was NO limitation.
But then someone would come around and talk to me and all I could hear was blurry sounds. I could not hear words – just garbled sound.
So thus began the feeling of separation – with “my body” being the thing that separated us.
It was very frustrating – so I preferred to be alone, in my little happy bubble.
When I was around people, I was constantly trying to get physically close to people – so that there was communication, joining and union.
So that was my first experience of my Self trapped and limited by a body.
And this is probably why I resonate so deeply with A Course in Miracles. It describes this situation perfectly – and I got the gift of an exaggerated situation (deafness) where at a very early age, I knew this SELF.
So at a very young age, I was identified with this Self – as myself – and I thought this Self was “inside” the body.
And so I believed that the body was a limit on this Self.
I couldn’t get out.
So I hated the body. I hated it for how it limited “me” – hated how it restricted the Me that was inside. The Me that was creative, happy, intelligent, powerful.
This Me was stuck in a wall of flesh, like being in a prison.
And other’s couldn’t get in – unless they yelled – and that just made them frustrated.
There was this wall of flesh between us.
I got hearing aids when I was 18 and then I could hear – but the “trapped feeling” just bubbled over into other areas of my life.
Trapped by the experience of no money.
Trapped in places I didn’t want to be in – and too scared to speak up because I wanted people to like me.
Trapped in jobs that were long over for me.
Trapped in relationships.
But there “I” was. Always inside. Peering out through the body’s eyes.
Going: What the fuck?
I was always reading self-help books in a desperate attempt to free myself from this trapped feeling.
I knew others had done it – found complete freedom – but it seemed like it was never going to happen for me.
And then it did.
Over the last several years.
And here is the best part: I can’t even pinpoint exactly when or where I found freedom. I have no idea.
All I know is that it dawned on me – around the fall of 2018 – that “I’m not trapped anymore” and I realized that I hadn’t been trapped for quite some time.
Freedom happened and I didn’t even notice it happened.
All I knew was that I was out in the sunshine, no longer bound by anything, no longer inside the prison house and the joy and aliveness that I always thought was “trapped” inside me was no longer inside the body.
There was just this absolute joy.
A joy without opposite that is not connected to anything external.
Nothing much has changed on the outside, but everything internal has changed – just like A Course in Miracles.
There is only love, gratitude and deep appreciation.
I don’t hate the body anymore. I don’t attack myself with grievance thoughts anymore. I don’t wallow in guilt and shame anymore.
I AM FREE.
I wish for everyone in the world to have this experience – and I know it’s possible – absolute freedom – to no longer be bound or limited by the body, by time, by space, by situations, by people, by relationships, by work, by thoughts, by emotions.
I know there are a kazillion different paths in the world that lead you into awareness of your Self as Infinite, Whole, Free, Unlimited – and you will find the one that is perfect for you.
But today, I want you to know: I LOVE YOU.
YOU ARE ALREADY FREE.
You have the power and ability to BE the light and to BRING the light, everywhere you go.
Your Self – the one that is “inside” is already in joy, in peace, in love … and is NOT inside.
This Self is everywhere, in every mind, shining.
This Self is you. The Real You.
So I write this message to say – if you have not yet arrived in this state of mind of freedom and joy, DON’T GIVE UP.
Keep going. Don’t stop halfway to your destination.
YOU GOT THIS.
Whatever you are going through, know that you are not alone.
Know that as your rest in quiet and trust the place you are in, things begin to change.
So many times I thought: I’m never going to get this.
I thought: I’m never going to get out of this black cloud of depression and uncertainty.
And then the miracle happens – and you’re free – and you realize you were always free.
I was ALWAYS this Unlimited Self – and I realize now that “this wall of flesh” never limited me.
I just thought I was limited. I was hugely mistaken.
I was always free.
And so are you.
I love you.
The light has come.
You are healed and can heal.
You are saved and can save.
“Today we celebrate the happy ending to your long dream of disaster. Today the time of light begins for you and for everyone. It is a new era, in which a new world is born. The old one has left no trace upon it in its passing. Today we see a different world, because the light has come.” -A Course in Miracles
Illustration by Frances Crichton Stuart